


resonances

by lacksley



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Affirmations of Love, Alternating Time Periods, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Moving On, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-14 13:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacksley/pseuds/lacksley
Summary: I wish there was a wordthat meant ‘goodbye’for someone whowas already gone.I wish I didn’t need to know.—a softer world





	resonances

**Author's Note:**

  * For [drladybird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/drladybird/gifts).



_ 2.5 million light-years away _

 

Avitus Rix cannot get out of bed.

He hadn’t been sleeping, just staring at the ceiling of his cramped apartment on the Nexus until his eyes dried out and he had to blink again.

That was the worst. When he closed his eyes, when he’d pass out from not sleeping for a week, when he stood in the shower in the dark with the water that went cold an hour ago,  _ he  _ was all that Avitus could see.

Macen Barro, staring glassy-eyed into space through the hole torn in the ark, bleeding out over his cryo pod.

The image his mind conjured was not real by any means. Avitus wasn’t awake to see the destruction of the  _ Natanus _ , to see the scourge tear the hull wide open.

He wasn’t awake when Macen died.

It’s that thought that keeps him stuck in place, unable to move. Powerless, drowning in an ocean of grief. Left alone with nothing but his thoughts and a responsibility that he never wanted.

Not without  _ him. _

  
  
  


_ Six hundred years ago _

 

“I don’t expect you to wait for me, you know.”

Avitus starts at Macen’s words and his gun goes off, missing the target so badly it punches through the center of Macen’s next to him.

“Not a bad shot,” Macen remarks, amused. Avitus ignores the comment.

“What did you say?” He puts his gun down and steps out of the firing lane to look at Macen. He keeps his back turned, focused on the target at the end of the range.

“You heard me, Avi.” An intentional shot, straight through the accidental hole Avitus made, echoes in the silence. “Eighteen months is a long time. I’m not expecting you to wait for me.”

His subvocals are so deep in tone that Avitus can barely hear them.

“Where did this come from? You can’t seriously think that I’d—”

Macen fires again, slightly off center. He doesn’t look at Avitus.

“People move on. Feelings fade. It happens all the time. I wouldn’t blame you if you found someone else.” Six more shots, each more inaccurate than the last, until the sixth misses the target completely and the empty pistol falls from Macen’s shaking hands.

“Eighteen months is a long time,” he repeats.

“Macen. Look at me. ” He doesn’t move, and Avitus grabs him, forcing him to make eye contact. “You’re it, okay? I don’t work with anyone else. There could never be anyone else. You’re it for me.”

Macen crumples, falling into Avitus’ arms with a heavy sigh. “I know. I know, I’m just scared. This is the longest assignment I’ve been on since… this is the longest assignment I’ve been on.”

Avitus taps a soothing pattern into the back of his armor.

“I would wait for you forever if I had to.”

  
  


_ 2.5 million light-years away _

 

One of the Ryder twins keeps visiting him. Avitus can tell them apart, usually, which is impressive by turian standards. Not so much for humans. Scott laughs when Avitus tells him this.

He’s different from his sister, the human pathfinder. Avitus has seen Sarah in all corners of this new galaxy, and Scott… is here. Stuck on the Nexus, like Avitus is stuck in his own head, waiting for something to happen.

Officially, Avitus is waiting for the  _ Natanus  _ to make it back to the Nexus, the long slow tow through dangerous space giving him more than enough time to let his grief completely consume him before he has to be a person again.

Scott is in mourning too, but Avitus knew Alec Ryder and he knows that their shared experiences of losing a loved one couldn’t compare. Not in the slightest.

“He was really nice, you know?”

They’re at a bar, instead of counseling. It’s become habit at this point. Avitus barely hears Scott, staring down into his glass like the melted ice will well up and drown him.

“Barro.  _ Macen. _ Everytime he stopped by headquarters he was so nice to me. And Sarah. He’d bring us stuff sometimes, little thingies from places he’d been. Like we were kids and he was bringing us toys.” His words are slurred, both from the alcohol and his face’s position flat against the bar.

“You  _ are  _ a kid, Scott.” Avitus can almost see his own reflection in his drink through the dim lights of the bar. He looks so old.

“... did you love him?” Tears drip from Scott’s eyes, sliding down his nose onto the smooth glass under his face.

“I did,” Avitus says quietly. “I do.”

  
  


_ Six hundred years ago _

 

It is extraordinarily cruel of the universe to have Macen come back just as Avitus is leaving.

Communication had been sparse between them while Macen was out on his eighteen month mission with Blackwatch. They emailed as much as they could, and Macen had even snuck into a comm room to have a late-night vid-call once, but… it was hard. It was even harder for Avitus telling Macen that he was going into deep cover with Arterius for the Council, some time around when he’d be getting back. Avitus couldn’t tell him where he was going, or what he was doing, or how long he’d be gone. They might have a little time before he had to leave, or they might miss each other completely.

But seeing Macen getting out of the shuttle parked right next to the one Avitus was leaving on—that hurts worse than anything.

They’re standing in the docking bay, and he doesn’t know what to say. Arterius beckons him towards the shuttle.

“Spectre business,” Macen says with a tight smile. He claps Avitus on the shoulder. “Good luck, Rix, with whatever you’re doing.”

A million different words burn like acid in his throat, but nothing he wants to say comes out. It’s like the oasis he’d been crawling to in the desert was only a mirage, and he’s still dying, but now there’s no chance of comfort as he fades away.

“I’m sorry. It’s bad timing.”

“The worst. I know.” Macen sighs, mandibles flaring in irritation. “I wish we had more time, Avi,” he says quietly. There’s a tremor in his subvocals.

It crushes Avitus, breaking his heart more than he thought it could be broken. He’s never wanted more strongly to blow off a mission, fuck the Council and intergalactic politics, and take the man in front of him to some hidden place where they can just  _ be, _ where they can be together. But he has to stay professional, while they’re in public, so he pulls Macen into a loose hug that might be platonic, and whispers,

“I love you. I’m sorry.”

  
  


_ 2.5 million light-years away _

 

He never goes back to Havarl.

Sarah Ryder steals away any opportunity for him to do so, not that he ever wanted to. She’d been tagging lost pods and wreckage from Elaaden to Kadara before he’d even known what happened to the ark.

Her dedication surprises him.

“We’re all in this together,” she says, observing the fully restored atrium of the  _ Natanus. _ “Why wouldn’t I help out?”

Avitus has no response to that.

“You’re not as alone as you think you are, Rix. Not even out here.”

That makes him scoff.

“I’m used to working alone, Ryder. It comes easier than breathing.”

Her face contorts in some way, the corners of her mouth pulling back to show her teeth, and Avitus barely remembers that  _ that _ is how humans smile.

“I never said anything about working. You’ve got friends, Rix. My brother counts as one of them. Your pathfinder crew, all the people you’ve helped just by being around.” She elbows Avitus in the side. “So let yourself live. Read a book, build a snowman on Voeld, get a tan on Eos. You have my official permission.”

“As the human pathfinder?” he asks dryly.

“Nope. As a friend.”

Ryder leaves the  _ Natanus _ a few hours later, after Avitus has given her the full tour now that it’s not a dead shipwreck full of ghosts. The tram doors shut and she speeds off, back to the Nexus, and Avitus leans heavily against the wall.

She really is just a kid, her and her brother both, and it’s a miracle that Avitus can keep up with their energy. But at the same time, even though he’s exhausted, he feels… lighter. Like a stone was lifted from his chest.

For the first time in a year, Avitus looks forward to tomorrow.

  
  


_ Six hundred years ago _

 

It’s their last night in the Milky Way, and Avitus can’t sleep.

Why should he, if he’s going to be sleeping for six hundred years just a few hours from now? Macen shifts beside him and groans.

“Avi, are you still awake?”

Avitus rolls on his side, tracing a finger across Macen’s face. “... yeah.”

“Still nervous?”

“I…” Avitus chews on the thought, wondering how to express the millions of fears and anxieties swirling around in his head without making Macen worry.

“Are you sure you want to do this? Are we making the right decision?”

“You’ve asked me that so many times that you know the answer already, so I’m not going to repeat myself,” Macen mumbles, reaching a hand out blindly to pat Avitus on the hip. “We get to decide what the right decision is. So it’s going to be okay.”

“Even though we’re leaving everything behind?”

“Avi,” Macen whispers. “I don’t care where we are. I just want to be with you.”

The words settle over Avitus like a blanket, and calm his frantic heart.

“I feel the same,” he says. “I love you.”

Macen’s mandibles twitch in a sleepy smile.

“I love you too. I’ll see you when we wake up.”

**Author's Note:**

> I definitely struggled to restrain myself from writing 6000 more words but the deadline kept me from doing so... maybe that will be for the future because I still have a lot of feelings about these two.  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this piece of my heart that ME:A ripped out.


End file.
